Why I don’t trust many people

I wanted to trust my doctor at the VA.  I really did.  The fact that English was not his native tongue, had nothing to do with when I struggled to understand he or his nurse.  I just figured the years had passed since the course I had taken in Spanish had lapsed and I had not really spoken it on a daily basis.  But, when I had an increase in seizures and called him and all he could do is increase my medications and now I still have a seizure now and then, am experiencing side effects of the medication such as palpitating heart, burning skin, being tired and no energy.  My memory and comprehension seems to be getting worse.

I wanted to trust a friend of mine who said call me any time when you need a ride when the weather is bad and I called him and he could not give me a ride and I had to rush out the door trying not to miss a bus in the misty rain.

There is one in Israel on whose mailing list I am.  At first I thought this man had a ministry and he was just asking for money for it.  But when I don’t read the entire message and show it to another friend and he reads it as a scam.  I did not see that until I read the entire thing.  Why could I not have seen it before?…All of a sudden, I realized this man has been conning me all along.  Send me the money.  Perhaps he is genuine in his beliefs, perhaps he is genuine in his genuine in prayer list, had he not asked for contributions.  Some how that ruined it.  It was something he said.

And I keep getting stung by the con artists on the internet.  They seem to find me, call me on the phone and catch me off guard and I will get stung a little here and a little there, but get stung still.  Even on the street they come up to me, but I have learned how to ignore them or say I am catching the bus now and get on the bus.

Lately, I was in the middle for feeling good while my meds were being adjusted when an online University called me and I wound up signing up with them…Everybody at my support group has told me that it is a Scam, he is a salesman, etc.  Why can I not see that?   I only wanted to look into the possibilities  of doing something and the next thing I have signed my life away.  And during the process, I have a seizure, have not finished the paperwork and could not and still cannot decide what to do. 

I have not had anybody other than this “salesman” and his supervisor talk to me, and another person talk to me.  I am sure that they will say that I knew what I was doing.

But, I may wind up in the hospital, and not be able to do anything with the course.

One minute, I want to drop out.  Another minute I want to get the Masters Degree and I can see myself with it and with it in Mediation & Conflict Resolution in Psychology.  I can visualize myself going to the different attorney’s near the courthouse and letting them know that I am taking the course, etc.   Yet, I am tired most of the time and will come home after my meetings, eat a sandwich, read some email, and take a nap.  I get up, get my snail mail, fix dinner, get on the computer or watch a movie.  After the movie then I will go through a routine of Face book, Farmville, and Mafia Wars.  Sometimes I focus on Farmville, others on Mafia Wars.  I am not sure how I could even do an online course.  I am not sure that I would even follow through with going to the various attorneys.  In my youth with energy, I may have.

I chit chat with others on Face Book making comments, and now am finding hard to stay up late so I am going to be early.  I really don’t want to play anything tonight.

All of my snail mail is filled with every body wanting me to send them money for their cause.  All of e-mail is filled with everybody wanting me to send them money for their cause.  Darn it, I don’t have any money.  My unemployment just ran out.  I have not been able to really find a job and have not really looked for one and now really having a problem.

I am just plain tired.  My old Jeep broke down and I walk to the bus stop, walk from the bus stop to my AA meeting and walk walk.  I shop on the bus and some times some one takes me.  But, only, when it is convenient for them. Rightly so. 

I want a wife.  But she would have to support me or be just as broke and want to struggle along with me.  LOL. 

The reality about me is that I don’t get things done.  My father used to say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Well I have paved a great share of it.  And yet the things that I really need to do, I put off and cannot get done somehow.

Right now I am in survival mode.  I am going to lay down early…


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